20. Your Relationships – Sacred Role of Fathers
Hymns: RHC 522 Jesus Bid Us Shine 525 Jesus Love the Little Children 524 I’ll Be a Sunbeam
Colossians 3:21
21 Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.
In Your Relationships – Sacred Role of Fathers
OUTLINE
- Familial (v18-21)
- Wife (v18)
- Husband (v19)
- Children (v20)
- Father (v21)
- Work (v22-24; Col. 4:1)
- Servant (v22-24)
- Master (Col. 4:1)
INTRODUCTION
In the ancient culture of both Gentile and Jewish households, the father often ruled the family in a rigid and domineering manner, with little concern for the desires and welfare of the wife and children. Because of their position to their household, fathers may be tempted to be severe with their children. He advises restraint for practical reason of not overly discouraging the children.[1]
The gospel changed these Gentile fathers, and Paul reminds them of their new way of living now possible because of the filling and empowerment by the Holy Spirit. They are to throw off the filthy garments of the old man they used to be in Adam and put on the new garments of righteousness they now are in Christ.
Colossians 3:21 (KJV) 21 Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.
Bengel wrote that the plaque of youth is a “broken spirit,” discouraged by continuous criticism and rebuke and too strict discipline.
Luther’s father was very strict, strict to the point of cruelty. In fact, he was so stern to him that Luther all his days found it difficult to pray: “Our Father.” The word “father” in his mind stood for nothing but severity. Luther used to say:
“Spare the rod and spoil the child—that is true; but beside the rod keep an apple to give him when he has done well.”
Not discourage but rather to encourage. To strengthen them through kind and gentle words. This means that fathers and mothers need to make time for their children. Oftentimes, when children are not the priority of parents but other priorities come first, parents do not have time for their children. In a hurry, they often give thoughtless remarks and anger for being in the way of their other priorities. They are not willing to take time to listen to their children but brush them aside so that they may get on with life.
- Provoke Not (v21a)
21 Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, …
“To provoke” is arouse, excite, kindle; in a bad sense make resentful, irritate, rouse to anger as is seen in our text and also in a good sense incite, stimulate (2 Corinthians 9.2) in setting the example of their giving unto the Lord.
2 Corinthians 9:2 (KJV) For I know the forwardness of your mind, for which I boast of you to them of Macedonia, that Achaia was ready a year ago; and your zeal hath provoked very many.
The word “provoke” means “to rouse to wrath, exasperate, make angry”.
It is seen in the holding of a grudge, in the smoldering bitterness that refuses to forgive. It is the anger that cherishes resentment and does not want reconciliation. To exasperate means to excite the anger of or to cause irritation or annoyance to.
Paul uses the present imperative with a negative which can be translated stop provoking your children to anger, implying that it was going on in among the saved Gentile fathers. Not provoking them to anger involves avoiding attitudes, words, and actions which would drive a child to anger exasperation or resentment.
A few ways that can provoke rather than parent a child – How to provoke: favouritism, comparison, unrealistic standards, over-indulging, rescuing, discouragement, lack of rewards, unfulfilled promises, treating them like boarders rather than children, not admitting mistakes, ridiculing, neglect, abusive words, sarcasm, physical abuse.
There are life-dominating sins that will hinder a father to be more like Christ. This provoking is toward anger developed in the child.
Vented anger it is observed involved yelling/screaming, slamming things around, cursing, telling someone off, attacking verbally/name-calling, hitting. This is sinful anger. Then there is what is called “the slow burn”, clamming up/moodiness, being frustrated, being irritated, being disgusted, huffing/snorting.[2]
Here, children do not receive the needed care and love from the father that causes their needs to be neglected.
Family Relationship between Father and Son is the relationship we have with the Father in eternity. Why did we have a heavenly Father?
Father brings about the children, a son’s behaviour is expected to resemble the father.
Nourishing and Glooming – Subsequent function of the father is care and nurture, nourish, educating, typify our heavenly Father maturing us spiritually.
When father’s neglect this role, it can lead to the children having a sense of being a “lost child”. No one to teach and no model to emulate and follow.
Often due to neglect, often fathers are themselves not godly, therefore, children see becomes disappointed and often angry that they are not be cared for and taught.
- Discourage not (v21a)
21 Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.
To be discouraged is to feel like giving up, lacking motivation. Children lack father’s love and nurture.
Ephesians 6:4 (KJV) And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
Rather parents are to bring up their children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
The word “nurture” means to “training, discipline”.
And the word “admonition” means “instruction, warning”.
And we need to qualify parenting as a work of grace aided by the Spirit of God. Unless parents are prayerful and seeking the Lord for His wisdom, they will certainly fail by their own strength.
Bringing Up Children God’s Way
The Bible tells us that children are a heritage of the LORD and the gift of the womb is His reward (Psalm 127:3). It is indeed God’s blessing when children are added to the family. How can parents fulfil their role as godly parents, and to train their children in the fear and admonition of the Lord?
Moses gave these words of advice in Deuteronomy 6:6-7, And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: 7 And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.
Parents are to firstly, secure their hearts in the Lord (v6) and secondly, to shepherd their children’s hearts (v7). A prepared heart is needed (v6) and the work of bringing up children must be done purposefully, patiently, and prayerfully.
1) Securing the Parents’ Devotion in the Lord (v6)
In verse 6, the preposition ‘in’ expresses motion towards the object which is the heart. The subject is God’s Word. And the emphasis is on God’s Word finding abode and residence in the heart of God’s people. In other words, God’s Word must be etched in the hearts of the parents first.
The meaning of this parental mandate can be deduced from the word ‘teach diligently’ in verse 7. It literally means ‘to sharpen’. The verb speaks of an intensive action of inculcating godliness.
When words are cut into a stone tablet with a sharp object, there is a deep imprint upon the stone. Likewise, the law of God should be impressed on the heart of the children of every generation.
To do so, God’s Word must first be cut in the heart of the parents. They must be true practicing Christians, transformed inside out. There must be the conviction to know the truth, to imbibe the truth, and to apply the truth in their daily living.
Moses rehearsed God’s blessing upon godly parents in Deuteronomy 6:1-3, (a) thy days may be prolonged. (b) that it may be well with thee (c) that ye may increase mightily.
The God-fearer who endeavours to bring up his children in the way of righteousness that the next generation too may fear God preserves the spiritual heritage from generation to generation.
When God’s people obey God’s Word and walk in His ways, God will prosper them, and they will be witnesses of the living and true God. The secret to obedience, to secure our hearts in the Lord, is to be God-fearing. It means being in awe of and revering God. This is what the fear of God entails.
The fear of God will lead us to obey God’s commandments that we sin not (Exodus 20:18-21). So, parents must first know the law of God love it and live by it. There is that preparation phase, the cultivation of personal godliness that is so crucial.
2) Shepherding Our Children’s Heart (v7)
How can we nurture our children in the fear and admonition of the Lord? To do so, parents are to set priority for home life and church life. Raising a child is spending a quantity of time and yet quality time. In others words, we are to be there with the child in his daily life, diligently teaching him the way that he ought to go.
One late pastor and educationalist observed well. “If we observe carefully, in every phase of life today, whether, in business, social, political, education realms, it is rush, rush, rush, rush! We are living in a rush age, a nervous age. And there is very little time left for home life.”
He continued, “Particularly with the globalization of business, working parents take turn to travel out of the country. A crying child asked, “Mummy/Daddy, please don’t go!” the response,“I’ll call you tonight. I’ll be back in 10 days’ time!” These cycles go on…
The materialistic world is taking hold of our life. Nearer home, instead of the family going home for a meal together, it is going here and going there, the children here and there but at home.
The mother is out, the father is out, and the child is left to the maid or the grandparents. Each returns home at a different hour of the night. It seems that we can’t get still, we can’t stop. Fathers are not willing to stop to build the home, running here and running there. STOP! STOP! We have to be still and quiet before the Lord where we can think and meditate and listen to the voice of God through His Word and by His Spirit.”
The spiritual and emotional health of your family should be your top priority. Make it a goal to know what is going on in your children’s lives. Then determine a strategy so that not one day goes without some positive, encouraging heart-to-heart parent-child interactions. Schedule time for your children each day. Accept the fact that to gain commitment to your family, you will sacrifice some things of lesser value. Build a sense of heritage and belonging amongst members of your family. (Robert Hoffman)
Bringing Up Children God’s Way (Part 2)
Deuteronomy 6:6-7 And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: 7 And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.
Parents are encouraged to set priority to dwell on God’s Word with the family. The basis of our authority and instruction must be the Bible. Are you building your home on God’s eternal Word, the Holy Bible? Is it the most read book in your home?
The father, being the head of the family, must be the chief instructor of the values and principles of the Bible through godly example, planned family worship times, and applying God’s Word to an everyday situation.
A Christian pastor testified, “I read the Scripture to my family in some regular order, and am pleased to have a lesson found for me. I look on the chapter of the day as a lesson sent for that day; and so, I regard it as coming from God for the use of that day and not of my own seeking.”
The JC Ryle Expository Thoughts of the Gospels has been adapted for family devotion. We have the gospel of Matthew in three volumes available for your family’s edification. We are in the process of adapting JC Ryle’s expository thoughts on the gospel of Mark.
3) Shepherding Purposely, Patiently and Prayerfully
If there are three words that summarise verse 7, they are: Purposefully, Patiently and Prayerfully.
There is no substitute for this dedication and devotion given to child training. The process requires much patience and love on the part of parents.
The training is focused. It is in the knowledge of the Bible, in the habits of prayer – a child is taught at a young age to pray, to develop dependence not on himself but on God. We can hardly be exhaustive but the objective is in teaching the child godliness. We are being reminded that the sacred task of shepherding the next generation is decidedly important and urgent yet we realise also it is the most neglected task.
Shepherding children’s hearts is to be done purposefully with God’s Word as the guide, the salvation and spiritual progress of the child as the goal. Parents are to exercise much patience to train their child for it may take time to form godly habits in their child. Quantity time and not just quality time is needed – quantity time and yet quality time. Finally, and most importantly, these endeavours must be undergirded with prayer – except the Lord build the house, they labour in vain that build it (Psalm 127:1). May the Lord bless every parent and child seeking to walk in His ways!
Spiritual Leadership at Home
– Abraham’s Example
Genesis 18:19 For I know him, that he will command his children and his household after him, and they shall keep the way of the LORD, to do justice and judgment; that the LORD may bring upon Abraham that which he hath spoken of him.
God’s approval was given to Abraham for his spiritual leadership in guiding his family to keep and walk in the way of the LORD.
(1) God knows who we really are
– For I know him…
God’s favour was on Abraham because of his consistency in leading his family. Can God in His omniscience endorse your testimony at home? Abraham was such a one. Will God be pleased with your spiritual leadership at home? It is a good time to ponder upon this. Now is the accepted time to work while the Lord tarries.
There were two milestones in Abraham’s life that he did right that gave him God’s approval. Firstly, he obeyed God’s call to lead his family to come out from the idolatry in the Ur of the Chaldees. Abraham was called into fellowship with God and he hearkened. What kind of environment was Abraham living in? He was living a separated life from the moral filth of Sodom and Gomorrah.
Today, we hear of the LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender) movement that is pushing its way into Singapore society. The message seems to be inclusiveness, to accept their alternate lifestyles. God forbid! Christians need the moral courage to stand against such a tide because this is against the word of God.
1 John 1:5-6 This then is the message which we have heard of him, and declare unto you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. If we say that we have fellowship with him, and walk in darkness, we lie, and do not the truth:
The second milestone was that Abraham stayed in the plains instead of the cities. He did not pitch his tent toward Sodom, nor dwell in Sodom, and therefore he was not vexed with the filthy conversation of the Sodomites (2 Peter 2:7). It is the perfect will of God for the saints to live a holy life.
1 Peter 1:16-19 Because it is written, Be ye holy; for I am holy. And if ye call on the Father, who without respect of persons judgeth according to every man’s work, pass the time of your sojourning here in fear: Forasmuch as ye know that ye were not redeemed with corruptible things, as silver and gold, from your vain conversation received by tradition from your fathers; But with the precious blood of Christ, as of a lamb without blemish and without spot.
(2) Raising a Family Altar
…that he will command his children and his household after him…
Abraham took the lead to guide his family. He faithfully instructed his family. He led his family to worship the one living and true God. He led his wife and children with a firm and yet gentle hand. This was Abraham’s testimony when he came to Canaan following God’s leading and instruction.
Genesis 12:8 And he removed from thence unto a mountain on the east of Bethel, and pitched his tent, having Bethel on the west, and Hai on the east: and there he builded an altar unto the LORD, and called upon the name of the LORD.
Genesis 13:4 Unto the place of the altar, which he had made there at the first: and there Abram called on the name of the LORD.
Abraham lived in close communion with God and he led his family to have a close communion with God. He worshipped God in his home with the members of his household.
Do you command your children to worship God or are they allowed to do what is right in their own eyes?
(3) Walking in Righteousness
…and they shall keep the way of the LORD, to do justice and judgment…
Abraham did not fail to instruct and train his family in the ways of God. He instilled the fear of God in the hearts of his children and household. They did not go after the lifestyle of Sodom and Gomorrah. They separated themselves. Remember Abraham’s nephew Lot also prospered under his shepherding. However, there came strife between Abraham’s herdsmen and Lot’s herdsmen (Genesis 13:7-13).
Lot failed to keep the ways of the LORD when he left Uncle Abraham. The years of teaching were effectual in that Lot remained a child of God but a terribly backslidden one! He succumbed to temptation. He could not resist the lure of city life and its comforts. He finally lost his family. His wife turned to a pillar of salt when God rained fire and brimstone to judge the cities.
Are you building up your family so that the fear of God rules their hearts? Have they understood that which is right in God’s sight and have the moral courage to do justly?
It takes time to teach. Raising children takes time. Parents who are away from home all day cannot spend much time teaching their children. Reading to a child takes time. The child who is regularly cuddled in a parent’s arms and read to – even before the child could read – comes to associate books with pleasure and being loved. [Stormer, Growing Up God’s Way].
Electronic devices are no substitutes, maids and even grandparents are no substitutes for parents to lead their children in the ways of God. It takes time to teach – conscientious, hard work, looking into details. It takes time to train and true love demands discipline. God sets the pattern in His own dealing with us (Hebrews 12:6-8).
Hebrews 12:6-8 (KJV) For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth. If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not? But if ye be without chastisement, whereof all are partakers, then are ye bastards, and not sons.
(4) Receiving God’s Blessings
… that the LORD may bring upon Abraham that which he hath spoken of him.
When Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed, Abraham and his family were in safety. In fact, God told them of His impending judgment. We are living in the days of Sodom. God’s judgment is nigh.
CONCLUSION
Will you take up the challenge to lead your family in the ways of God as Abraham did? May the Lord help us!
[1] Clinton E. Arnold, Zondervan Illustrated Bible Background Commentary Volume 3, Zondervan, 2002, 397.
[2] Stuart Scott, The Exemplary Husband – A Biblical Perspective, Focus Publishing Inc., 2002, 262-263.